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There's only one Leo...

topic posted Fri, December 16, 2005 - 6:18 PM by  Rob
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Leo McGarry talking to Josh after his therapy session: This guy's walking down the street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep he can't get out. A doctor passes by, and the guy shouts up, "Hey, you, can you help me out?" The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a priest comes along, and the guy shouts up, "Father, I'm down in this hole. Can you help me out?" The priest writes a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a friend walks by. "Hey, Joe, it's me. Can you help me Out" And the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says, "Are you nuts? Now we're both down here." The friend says, "Yeah, but I've been down here before - and I know the way out."



Leo McGarry: [to Josh on Arnie Vinick running for President] You ever see Arnie Vinick campaign up close? He'll go into those high school gymnasiums in Iowa and New Hampshire and blow them all away. He'll shake every hand in the joint, kiss every baby, hug every widow on Social Security, and sound smarter and more honest than any Republican they've ever seen. Because he is.



Leo McGarry: Do you think that increasing the body count is going to act as a deterrent?
President Josiah Bartlet: You're damn right I do.
Leo McGarry: Well then, you're just as stupid as these people who think that capital punishment will act as a deterrent to drug kingpins. As if drug kingpins didn't live their day to day lives under the possibility of execution, and their executions are a lot less dainty than ours, and tend to take place without the bother and expense of due process. So, my friend, if you want to start using American military strength as the arm of the Lord, you can do that. We're the only superpower left. You can conquer the world, like Charlemagne. But you better be prepared to kill everyone. And you had better start with me because I will raise up an army against you and I will beat you.
posted by:
Rob
offline Rob
Indianapolis
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  • Thank you...I've always loved that story about helping a friend out of the hole. And I always loved it when Leo quietly put Bartlet in his place...

    I wish I had faith that all politicians had someone to remind them who they really are. I wish I could name one.
  • Charlie Young: Zoey and I are going out. I'll be on my pager.

    Leo McGarry: You're going out?

    Charlie Young: Yeah.

    Leo McGarry: Charlie, you're taking extra protection, right?

    Charlie Young: [taken aback] Hey, Leo...

    Leo McGarry: Secret Service protection, Charlie, but thanks for loading me up with that image.

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    [With the cabinet member who stays behind during a State of the Union address]

    President Josiah Bartlet: Roger, If anything happens, you know what to do, right?

    Roger: I honestly hadn't thought about it, sir.

    President Josiah Bartlet: First thing always is national security. Get your commanders together. Appoint Joint Chiefs, appoint a chairman. Take us to defcon 4. Have the governors send emergency delegates to Washington. The assistant Attorney General is going to be the Acting A.G. (pause) You got a best friend?

    Roger: Yes, sir.

    President Josiah Bartlet: Is he smarter than you?

    Roger: Yes, sir.

    President Josiah Bartlet: Would you trust him with your life?

    Roger: Yes, sir.

    President Josiah Bartlet: That's your chief of staff.
    • Now that last bit just made me tear up. I'm such a sap for our Leo.

      I think from here on out I'll just refer to him a Our Leo, like I can Howard Dean "Our Howard"...you know just to honnor John's character....

      Our Leo.
  • leo's relationship with bartlet is one so extraordinary, that we can only hope to find someone in our lives so loyal and challenging to our own egos.

    Leo McGarry: [Leo is trying to convince Ainsley Hayes to work for President Bartlett, who has requested that she be hired, but she is reluctant] The President likes smart people who disagree with him. He wants to hear from you.

    ~~~

    Leo McGarry: You know, sometimes, I don't even know what you're talking about.
    President Josiah Bartlet: Sometimes I'm just making it up.

    ~~~

    President Josiah Bartlet: Sweden has a 100% literacy rate. 100%! How do they do that?
    Leo McGarry: Maybe they don't and they can't add.

    ~~~

    [On neighborhood watch cell phone funding]
    President Josiah Bartlet: It's too small. I could fund this out of my pocket.
    Toby Ziegler: It's $10 million.
    President Josiah Bartlet: Leo could fund this out of his pocket.

    ~~~

    President Josiah Bartlet: I agreed to be locked up with you people for forty-eight hours. How much time do I have left?
    Leo McGarry: Forty-seven hours, forty-one minutes.

    ~~~

    Leo McGarry: I fought a jungle war. I'm not doing it again. If I could put myself anywhere in time it would be in the cabinet room on August 4th 1964, when our ships were attacked by North Vietnam in the Tonkin Gulf. I'd say, 'Mr. President, don't do it. You're considering the commitment of a massive number of troops and throwing in our lot with torturers and panderers, leaders without principles and soldiers without conviction, with no clear mission and no end in sight'.

    ~~~

    Leo McGarry: There are two things in the world you never want people to see how you make them - laws and sausages.

    ~~~

    [after the President is injured in a bike accident]
    Mrs. Landingham: Oh, Mr. McGarry, have they done an x-ray?
    Leo McGarry: Yep.
    Mrs. Landingham: And is anything broken?
    Leo McGarry: A four-thousand-dollar "Lynex Titanium" touring bike that I swore I'd never lend anyone.

    ~~~

    Leo McGarry: He's a klutz, Mrs. Landingham, your president's a geek.

    ~~~

    C.J. Cregg: Is there anything I can say other than the President rode his bicycle into a tree?
    Leo McGarry: He hopes never to do it again.
    C.J. Cregg: Seriously, they're laughing pretty hard.
    Leo McGarry: What do you want me to - the President, while riding his bicycle, came to a sudden arboreal stop.

    ~~~

    Leo McGarry: [on the phone with the New York Times] 17 across. Yes, 17 across is wrong... You're spelling his name wrong... What's my name? My name doesn't matter. I am just an ordinary citizen who relies on the Times crossword for stimulation. And I'm telling you that I met the man twice. And I recommended a pre-emptive missile strike against his air force, so I think I know how...
    C.J. Cregg: Leo.
    Leo McGarry: They hang up on me every time.

    ~~~

    Leo McGarry: You saw Sam's friend?
    Sam Seaborn: How did you know?
    Leo McGarry: I had you tailed.
    Josh Lyman: You had us tailed?
    Leo McGarry: Yes.
    Sam Seaborn: Why?
    Leo McGarry: On the off chance that you're as stupid as you look.

    ~~~

    Leo McGarry: [on Lord John Marbury] He thought I was the butler!
    President Josiah Bartlet: For the first couple of weeks, so did I.

    ~~~

    Lord John Marbury: When we had a problem with someone, one solution that we would try is to make him a Maharajah; it's a kind of a regional king, and we would pay him off with an annual tribute and in return he would be loyal to the crown.
    Leo McGarry: Lord Marbury, under our constitution the president is not empowered to create Maharajahs.
    Lord John Marbury: Yes, thank you for clearing that up, Leo, having been educated at Cambridge and the Sorbonne, I am, as you know, exceedingly stupid.

    ~~~

    Leo McGarry: I am making a mental list of those who are snickering, and even as I speak I'm preparing appropriate retribution.

    ~~~

    Leo McGarry: How are you doing Ainsley?
    Ainsley Hayes: [nervous to meet president] I'm concerned about peeing on your carpet.
    Leo McGarry: Ok, well, now I am too.
    Ainsley Hayes: Can I use your bathroom?
    Leo McGarry: Sure
    [she goes into the closet instead]
    President Josiah Bartlet: Where is she?
    Sam Seaborn: In the closet
    President Josiah Bartlet: Come on out Ainsley... what were you doing in the closet?
    Ainsley Hayes: I had to pee
    President Josiah Bartlet: They wont let me smoke inside, but you can pee in Leo's closet.

    ~~~

    Leo McGarry: Andrew Jackson had a big block of cheese...
    Josh Lyman: ...And a Wheat Thin the size of Lake Tahoe.

    ~~~

    Mrs. Landingham: In my day we knew how to protect ourselves.
    Leo McGarry: Well, in your day you could fight off the Indians with a Daniel Boone musket, couldn't you?
    Mrs. Landingham: Ah, sarcasm - the grumpy man's wit.
    Leo McGarry: Go sharpen a pencil, would you?

    ~~~

    Leo McGarry: We spent millions of dollars developing a pen that could write in space. Do you know what the Russians did?
    Josh Lyman: Used a pencil?
    Leo McGarry: Used a pencil.

    ~~~

    i also very much enjoy leo's relationship with margaret :

    [the President neglected a formality transferring executive power before going into surgery]
    Margaret: Can I just say something for the future? *I* can sign the president's name. I've got his signature down pretty good.
    Leo McGarry: You can sign the president's name?
    Margaret: Yeah.
    Leo McGarry: On a document removing him from power and giving it to someone else?
    Margaret: Yeah. Or do you think the White House Counsel would say that's a bad idea?
    Leo McGarry: I think the White House Counsel would say that's a Coup D'Etat.
    Margaret: I'd probably end up doing some time for that.
    Leo McGarry: I would think. And what the hell are you doing practicing the president's signature?
    Margaret: It's just for fun.
    Leo McGarry: We've got separation of powers, checks and balances, and Margaret, vetoing things and sending them back to the hill.

    ~~~

    Leo McGarry: Margaret, please call the editor of The New York Times and tell him that Khaddafi is spelled with 1 H and 2 D's and isn't a 7-letter word for anything.

    ~~~

    Brit. Ambassador Lord John Marbury: Your assistant, Margaret, is looking positively buxom.
    Leo McGarry: [awkwardly] Thank you. I'll tell her.
    Margaret: [from outer office] Thank you!
    Brit. Ambassador Lord John Marbury: Oh, yes! Well done!

    ~~~

    Leo McGarry: [Signing Christmas cards] Who the hell is this guy and why would I care if he has a merry Christmas?
    Margaret: Just sign the damn thing.

    ~~~

    [signing Christmas cards]
    Leo McGarry: Who's Sarah?
    Margaret: Your sister.
  • leo's relationship with bartlet is one so extraordinary, that we can only hope to find someone in our lives so loyal and challenging to our own egos.

    Leo McGarry: [Leo is trying to convince Ainsley Hayes to work for President Bartlett, who has requested that she be hired, but she is reluctant] The President likes smart people who disagree with him. He wants to hear from you.

    ~~~

    Leo McGarry: You know, sometimes, I don't even know what you're talking about.
    President Josiah Bartlet: Sometimes I'm just making it up.

    ~~~

    President Josiah Bartlet: Sweden has a 100% literacy rate. 100%! How do they do that?
    Leo McGarry: Maybe they don't and they can't add.

    ~~~

    [On neighborhood watch cell phone funding]
    President Josiah Bartlet: It's too small. I could fund this out of my pocket.
    Toby Ziegler: It's $10 million.
    President Josiah Bartlet: Leo could fund this out of his pocket.

    ~~~

    President Josiah Bartlet: I agreed to be locked up with you people for forty-eight hours. How much time do I have left?
    Leo McGarry: Forty-seven hours, forty-one minutes.

    ~~~

    Leo McGarry: I fought a jungle war. I'm not doing it again. If I could put myself anywhere in time it would be in the cabinet room on August 4th 1964, when our ships were attacked by North Vietnam in the Tonkin Gulf. I'd say, 'Mr. President, don't do it. You're considering the commitment of a massive number of troops and throwing in our lot with torturers and panderers, leaders without principles and soldiers without conviction, with no clear mission and no end in sight'.

    ~~~

    Leo McGarry: There are two things in the world you never want people to see how you make them - laws and sausages.

    ~~~

    [after the President is injured in a bike accident]
    Mrs. Landingham: Oh, Mr. McGarry, have they done an x-ray?
    Leo McGarry: Yep.
    Mrs. Landingham: And is anything broken?
    Leo McGarry: A four-thousand-dollar "Lynex Titanium" touring bike that I swore I'd never lend anyone.

    ~~~

    Leo McGarry: He's a klutz, Mrs. Landingham, your president's a geek.

    ~~~

    C.J. Cregg: Is there anything I can say other than the President rode his bicycle into a tree?
    Leo McGarry: He hopes never to do it again.
    C.J. Cregg: Seriously, they're laughing pretty hard.
    Leo McGarry: What do you want me to - the President, while riding his bicycle, came to a sudden arboreal stop.

    ~~~

    Leo McGarry: [on the phone with the New York Times] 17 across. Yes, 17 across is wrong... You're spelling his name wrong... What's my name? My name doesn't matter. I am just an ordinary citizen who relies on the Times crossword for stimulation. And I'm telling you that I met the man twice. And I recommended a pre-emptive missile strike against his air force, so I think I know how...
    C.J. Cregg: Leo.
    Leo McGarry: They hang up on me every time.

    ~~~

    Leo McGarry: You saw Sam's friend?
    Sam Seaborn: How did you know?
    Leo McGarry: I had you tailed.
    Josh Lyman: You had us tailed?
    Leo McGarry: Yes.
    Sam Seaborn: Why?
    Leo McGarry: On the off chance that you're as stupid as you look.

    ~~~

    Leo McGarry: [on Lord John Marbury] He thought I was the butler!
    President Josiah Bartlet: For the first couple of weeks, so did I.

    ~~~

    Lord John Marbury: When we had a problem with someone, one solution that we would try is to make him a Maharajah; it's a kind of a regional king, and we would pay him off with an annual tribute and in return he would be loyal to the crown.
    Leo McGarry: Lord Marbury, under our constitution the president is not empowered to create Maharajahs.
    Lord John Marbury: Yes, thank you for clearing that up, Leo, having been educated at Cambridge and the Sorbonne, I am, as you know, exceedingly stupid.

    ~~~

    Leo McGarry: I am making a mental list of those who are snickering, and even as I speak I'm preparing appropriate retribution.

    ~~~

    Leo McGarry: How are you doing Ainsley?
    Ainsley Hayes: [nervous to meet president] I'm concerned about peeing on your carpet.
    Leo McGarry: Ok, well, now I am too.
    Ainsley Hayes: Can I use your bathroom?
    Leo McGarry: Sure
    [she goes into the closet instead]
    President Josiah Bartlet: Where is she?
    Sam Seaborn: In the closet
    President Josiah Bartlet: Come on out Ainsley... what were you doing in the closet?
    Ainsley Hayes: I had to pee
    President Josiah Bartlet: They wont let me smoke inside, but you can pee in Leo's closet.

    ~~~

    Leo McGarry: Andrew Jackson had a big block of cheese...
    Josh Lyman: ...And a Wheat Thin the size of Lake Tahoe.

    ~~~

    Mrs. Landingham: In my day we knew how to protect ourselves.
    Leo McGarry: Well, in your day you could fight off the Indians with a Daniel Boone musket, couldn't you?
    Mrs. Landingham: Ah, sarcasm - the grumpy man's wit.
    Leo McGarry: Go sharpen a pencil, would you?

    ~~~

    Leo McGarry: We spent millions of dollars developing a pen that could write in space. Do you know what the Russians did?
    Josh Lyman: Used a pencil?
    Leo McGarry: Used a pencil.

    ~~~

    i also very much enjoy leo's relationship with margaret :

    [the President neglected a formality transferring executive power before going into surgery]
    Margaret: Can I just say something for the future? *I* can sign the president's name. I've got his signature down pretty good.
    Leo McGarry: You can sign the president's name?
    Margaret: Yeah.
    Leo McGarry: On a document removing him from power and giving it to someone else?
    Margaret: Yeah. Or do you think the White House Counsel would say that's a bad idea?
    Leo McGarry: I think the White House Counsel would say that's a Coup D'Etat.
    Margaret: I'd probably end up doing some time for that.
    Leo McGarry: I would think. And what the hell are you doing practicing the president's signature?
    Margaret: It's just for fun.
    Leo McGarry: We've got separation of powers, checks and balances, and Margaret, vetoing things and sending them back to the hill.

    ~~~

    Leo McGarry: Margaret, please call the editor of The New York Times and tell him that Khaddafi is spelled with 1 H and 2 D's and isn't a 7-letter word for anything.

    ~~~

    Brit. Ambassador Lord John Marbury: Your assistant, Margaret, is looking positively buxom.
    Leo McGarry: [awkwardly] Thank you. I'll tell her.
    Margaret: [from outer office] Thank you!
    Brit. Ambassador Lord John Marbury: Oh, yes! Well done!

    ~~~

    Leo McGarry: [Signing Christmas cards] Who the hell is this guy and why would I care if he has a merry Christmas?
    Margaret: Just sign the damn thing.

    ~~~

    [signing Christmas cards]
    Leo McGarry: Who's Sarah?
    Margaret: Your sister.

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